6 Ways Single Shaming Happens in Churches and Christian Circles

Christian singles receive mixed messages all the time. “Get married! Be content with singleness and focus on God your first husband!”

For the most part, many Christians keep aside what the Bible says about singleness and marriage, and instead present their personal opinions and experiences to singles as truth.

This results in single shaming, which can be hard to call out because much of the concern comes from a place of good intentions. However, some examples of single shaming among Christians come from people who are naturally toxic, especially men who see women as objects that can only find a life under a man.

But whether intentioned or not, single shaming hurts a lot of Christian singles. Some have stopped going to church, even though they still love the Lord. And some have had a faith crisis because the mold they were shown as God’s blueprint didn’t provide the expected results.

What is Single Shaming in Church?

Most definitions of single shaming would mention [unintentional] negative attitudes expressed towards single people because of their singleness. But in the church, it’s not always so straightforward. Single shaming in church is mostly shaming singles for having contrary views to what’s accepted as norm about relationships and marriage in that particular Christian environment. For example, a church that believes singles should pray and receive a vision on who to marry would shame a single for trying out dating avenues, even though that single hasn’t sinned.

How Does Single Shaming Affect Single People?

Single shaming can affect singles in different ways:

• Singles see the church as a non-conducive environment. Some have left the church because of the stigma attached to being single at a particular age.
• There’s the pressure to conform to the mold of the environment which can hinder a single person from truly living the way God would want them.
• Single people feel like there’s something wrong with them, when there’s none.
• Some singles may get into unsuitable relationships just to conform to the external expectations.

Many Christians single shame without knowing. This post highlights examples of single-shaming messages churches and Christians communicate.

6 Ways Single Shaming Happens in Churches and Christian Circles

1. Shaming Singles for Trying to Find Potential Partners

This is especially true of circles where the mold is for singles to pray and wait. A single who tries to up their chances of meeting eligible singles is seen as desperate. Unspiritual.

Then well-meaning advice follows:

“God’s time is the best.”

“Focus on God, not on trying to get married.”

“If you focus on God, He will bring you a mate.”

Nothing wrong with the pieces of advice in their place. The only problem? Sometimes, the advice is out of place. Because singles are individuals, and loves stories have no scripture template.

Pursuing God with all of one’s heart should not be mutually exclusive with the desire to be married.

2. Judging why singles are still single

This is one of the most hurtful because it doesn’t always come from a place of intimate knowledge of a single’s life. It’s mostly people watching from afar, advising without facts, or voicing their opinions about a single person.

“Don’t set the bar too high.” Do you have proof they’re setting the bar too high?

“There’s no perfect man or woman.” You may have no idea how much abuse they’d been willing to endure to make it work with exes.

“Have you REALLY prayed about getting married?” I don’t have the stats, but majority of Christian singles want to get married and they constantly pray about meeting someone suitable.

“Have you confessed every hidden sin?” This boldly declares that God blesses the very spiritual with husbands and wives.

All these judgmental statements are driven by beliefs that marriage is a blessing and singleness is a curse, there’s a deadline to be married, and God would not give you’re a spouse until you weary Him.

3. Implying that there’s a deadline to get married

Singles from 25 years usually feel the pressure that it’s past time to be married. They begin to feel more shame over their single status. Because of the unwritten rule, and sometimes loudly spoken rule, that you have to be married by 25 or you shouldn’t cross 30. Above 30? You’re expired for marriage.

The Bible doesn’t say that, Jesus or the apostle Paul wouldn’t say that. And Christians today should stop saying that.

4. Presenting singleness as a cursed or second-best status

Many Christians overlook the fact that key Bible characters were single. Jesus, John the Baptists, the apostle Paul, Anna (widowed at a young age, never remarried), and probably Lydia.

Some Bible characters were remarkable in their single days before marriage. Examples: Joseph the son of Jacob,

While singleness is a transition period for many, it’s also a permanent state for some. Whether by choice, natural circumstances, or divine design, lifelong singleness is never presented in scriptures as a sin, a cursed, or second-best status.

5. Insinuating that older singles have hidden sins or demonic problems

This is common with the church in Africa. Hidden sin or some demon spirit, called a spiritual husband or wife, must be responsible for your unwanted prolonged singleness. Therefore, you need to confess all, plus sins you’ve never even committed, just in case. You need deliverance from spiritual marriages you have no clue when you contracted them.

This is the truth: not everyone gets married at a younger age. Even though there are advantages to marrying earlier, God wills some to marry later.

6. Not showing as much interest in other areas of a single’s life

This should’ve been at the top of the list.

Most single people have jobs, hobbies, studies… a life outside of marriage and relationships. But friends, family, and the church zoom in on the lack of relationships.

This zoom in gives the impression that singleness is a shameful state that must be shunned ASAP. You don’t have to be whole or happy, as long as you’re married, you’re okay. Who cares what’s going on in your workplace or vocation if you’re not married?

Many singles would love their married friends, family, and church community to show interest in other areas of their lives.

Christians Can Stop Single Shaming

This would only happen when we let the Bible inform our views on singleness and marriage, and when Christians stop presenting opinions and experiences as roadmaps for everyone.

• Choosing to stay single is not a sin.
• Desiring and trying to get married is not a sin.
• Having values for the relationship you want is not a sin.
• The right time to get married is not usually determined by biology.
• Rejecting potential partners because they don’t fit in with your values is not sin.