This post is Appendix One of a play I wrote titled, Mine!
“God told me John was going to be my husband. I was so happy, I incessantly prayed for John to come around.
Finally John asked me out. Few months later we got married and lived happily ever after.
How I wish that were the case. I had eagerly looked forward to the marriage and the ever after, but it never happened, because few months after we started dating, John walked away with another woman, leaving me heartbroken. And confused.
I did all I could to get him back. All in vain. I learned he later walked away from the other woman, before finally settling down with another woman.”
The example above is fiction, but one that does happen in real life.
I believe that until the Lord Jesus comes back, this issue of ‘God told me to marry them’ will remain among Christian Singles. It would be great if there are only success stories, but many times, they are not. Instead there usually is an abundance of regret, confusion and disillusion stories.
This has led some believers to conclude that God cannot and will not tell you who to marry. That is not true.
I counter that thought line in this other post God can and will tell you who to marry
I too had once been a victim of a failed ‘word from God’ about marrying someone. When the relationship crashed, I was devastated emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.
I laugh now because I can’t believe I recovered; it was one of the darkest moments of my life and I didn’t believe that I can ever be normal again.
And it was not really because of the man, but because of the thought of having done something wrong to cause God’s will not to come to pass. I constantly wondered ‘But what about what the Lord told me’?
For a long time I blamed and hated myself. I had failed God. Since I got born-again I had believed and taught that we are supposed to trust God to lead us to the right person in order to avoid unfortunate relationships, but here was I with a negative testimony.
I hated myself and I believed God hated me too. I didn’t think he will ever use me again. I had become a useless and despised piece of nothing in his sight. I’ve really come a long way renewing my mind.
But after a long time, the scales began to fall off and I came to a place where I heartily appreciated God for deliverance, yes deliverance, for the path God wanted me to go in, the path he had always drawn my heart towards that direction, I would never have followed if he did not deliver me from that conviction!
I know several persons who have been victims as well; I know it is a perennial problem affecting Christian Singles.
The biggest problem that people who’ve ‘heard from God about marrying someone’ usually have is the ignoring of red flags. The ‘word from God’ trumps all logical reasoning and biblical principles. All the focus is on the ‘fact’ that God has spoken and the mistaken belief is that ‘all will be well; and we shall live happily ever after’.
It is true that sometimes what God tells us to do defies logic. For example, telling Moses and the Israelites to go forward while the Red Sea stared at them.
But in the case of relationships, that shouldn’t be the case.
To throw every piece of advice out the window while clinging to a ‘word from God’ about marrying someone whose actions are red flags and warning signs against such relationship, is not only stupid but dangerous. You are setting yourself up for regrets in the future, unless God’s mercies intervene.
That is not to say relationships and marriages don’t sometimes experience turmoil; that is not to say good relationships are perfect. But the case of someone constantly being abusive, constantly making life bitter for their partner, constantly giving you reason to regret the relationship, it’s just hard to believe God would give such a person to his son or daughter who is sincerely seeking to live for Him.
What Singles need to understand is that it is normal to have feelings for the opposite sex. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with admiring someone of the opposite sex and wishing they could be married to you.
They may possess qualities that you long for and that can cause you to want to have them. But there are things you can do to cause the admiration to either wane or intensify.
Unfortunately, many Singles only tend to intensify the feelings.
What is abnormal is to think those feelings as signifying something other than mere admiration or not considering it could be lust or infatuation.
This is especial consideration for the females, because they are usually on the receiving end, that is, they don’t usually make the first move.
Instead of thinking the desire for the guy normal (or lust to be resisted), she begins to entertain, nurture and intensify the desire, and sooner than later, she begins to ‘hear the Lord’ telling her he is going to be her husband.
She asks for confirmation to be sure God is really the one speaking to her; and she gets them (dreams, coincidences, even prophecies.).
Then begins the waiting period, waiting for the guy to make the first move. In some cases, the wait takes several years. Or she takes steps to make him notice her, and manipulates him into asking her out. Or she begins to pray what I call witchcraft prayers (see below), mentioning the guy’s name and asking God to make him desire her.
For the guy, the situation can be less burdensome. He can easily ascertain the ‘word from God’ by approaching the lady. If she turns him down, he can either dismiss the feeling or the ‘word from the Lord’ or he can persevere for some time in his ‘chase’.
Sadly, some choose to chase and chase and chase, rationalizing, dismissing and ignoring every red flag.
Pride keeps such from accepting the fact that God never spoke; that they were infatuated or probably the devil deluded them.
Many times the clinging to the ‘word from God’ even in the face of failure is usually because of the pain involved in accepting that the ‘voice’ that was heard was not God’s.
It was not easy for me when the relationship failed; I have spoken with others who also experienced failure, and it is not always easy accepting the reality. Tucked somewhere in a part of our mind is the belief that somehow we disrupted God’s plan; or that we were not prayerful enough and the devil outsmarted us; or that there was something we needed to do but didn’t do because we were ignorant of but didn’t take the effort to seek and receive wisdom and guidance from God.
All of that is grasping at illogical rationality aimed at protecting our ego, dignity and integrity, and avoiding the humiliation of self that comes with the realization that God never spoke to us; that we heard our emotions, desires or, the devil.
Experience is a teacher
But life experiences sometimes are a lesson for us to learn and be able to educate ourselves and others. When we fail to learn the lessons those experiences offer us, we continue to make the same mistakes.
A guy courts a girl claiming ‘God revealed…’, the relationship fails. He dates another, claiming the same thing. The second relationship also fails. He goes in for the third, still ‘hearing’ from God!
That makes God schizophrenic and unreliable – he says yes and no at the same time. He leads us into what he is not able to complete, he tells us they are our mate when he knows ahead of time they won’t come or they won’t accept us. That is not the God of the Bible.
What is important: Character or Confirmatory Sign?
Singles need to learn not to be overly concerned about whether God spoke or not as about the character of the person they are intending to marry. I know that doesn’t sound spiritual to some.
But if spiritual is what is responsible for so much heartbreak, confusion and a blurred image of God’s faithfulness, it’s high time to embrace the ‘less spiritual’ strategy.
The truth is if you are in a relationship that God doesn’t want you in, and you are in tune with God, willing to let go of emotions in order to listen to his voice in your spirit and the principles of his Word, God would make it known to you. So there shouldn’t be fear in the heart of any child of God as a result of not having ‘supernatural’ confirmations for their relationship.
About witchcraft prayers, I want to talk a little on it. It’s not just about relationships. The way some people teach prayer, it can lead one to engage in spiritual exercises that are synonymous with, if not actually, witchcraft – seeking to manipulate people’s mind against their will.
Unfortunately I don’t have a scientific method to prove it, but it’d sound more like something a witchdoctor would tell a client desiring a certain lover.
Consider a situation where two people are in a relationship, one partner wants it, the other is undecided, or may be having reservations and wanting to end the relationship.
But the person wanting the relationship (probably believing they are meant to be) is putting such a draw, such a pull, on the other person, spiritually through prayer, sometimes not actually directed to God, but more like the I-decree-and-declare type, that the undecided partner feels somehow ‘compelled’ to continue in the relationship even though his spirit may be vexed or grieved over the situation.
I’m struggling to explain this because it’s something I don’t know how to say, ‘this is how it works’. Maybe someone else understands the how, but I don’t. All I know is that it happens.
As a Single, you need to be careful. If you manipulate someone, whether knowingly or unknowingly, into marrying you, you’ll live to face the consequences tomorrow.
If you truly believe the ‘Lord has spoken to you’ please let be and let God do his work. Ascertain the will of God by allowing him to orchestrate circumstances to bring his will to pass. Desist from trying to make God’s will happen through your gymnastics.
You should never, never go into a relationship when your heart doesn’t agree, no matter the strong emotional drawings towards the person desiring your love.
One way God leads you is by putting peaceful desires in your heart. You may not like someone initially, but if you were meant to be, your heart would along the way desire (want) the person.
Don’t allow emotions to pressure you and drown out the voice of your spirit.
Don’t be quick to conclude, the Lord told you someone is your wife. Let the will of God unfold as you get to know the person more. Be open to the voice of God in your spirit, not through your emotions. Take red flags seriously.