“God told me she’s going to be my wife.” or “God told he’s going to be my husband”. This sentence is probably one common to many christian singles and some married Christians. Should you trust that voice, dream, feeling or prophecy that is communicating to you that God wants you to marry him or her?
The rest of this article is one of two non-fiction chapters in my 111 pages comedy play free eBook, My Godsend
I have edited the chapter here to fit the blog format 🙂
I believe that until the Lord Jesus comes back, this issue of ‘God told me to marry them’ will remain. It would be great if there are only success stories, but many times, they are not.
Instead there usually is an abundance of regret, confusion, disappointments and disillusion stories.
While many learn their lessons and share their stories for other’s education, not everyone will learn from the mistakes of others. We can only continue to make our own little effort to educate, peradventure someone somewhere, someday will hear and heed.
I too had once been a victim of conviction and confirmatory signs which never saw fulfillment. When the relationship crashed, I was devastated emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.
I laugh because I can’t believe I recovered; it was one of the darkest moments of my life and I didn’t believe that I can ever be normal.
And it was not really because of the man, but because of the thought of having done something wrong to cause God’s will not to come to pass. Like Yafe in the play, I constantly asked the question ‘but what about what the Lord told me’?
For a long time I blamed and hated myself. I had failed God. Since I got born-again I had believed and taught that we are supposed to trust God to lead us to the right person in order to avoid unfortunate relationships, but here was I with a negative testimony. I hated myself and I believed God hated me too.
I didn’t think he will ever use me again. I had become a useless and despised piece of nothing in his sight.
But after a long time, the scales began to fall and I came to a place where I heartily appreciated God for deliverance, yes deliverance, for the path God wanted me to go in, the path he had always drawn my heart towards that direction, I would never have followed if he did not deliver me from that conviction!
I know several persons who have been victims as well; I know it is a perennial problem affecting singles. And it’s with this that I wrote this comedy play. I really pray the play blesses someone as much as it makes them laugh.
No red flags when ‘God speaks’! That’s the problem!
The biggest problem that people who’ve ‘heard from God about marrying someone’ usually have is the ignoring of red flags. The ‘word from God’ trumps all logical reasoning and biblical principles.
All the focus is on the ‘fact’ that God has spoken and the mistaken belief is that ‘all will be well; and we shall live happily ever after’.
It is true that sometimes what God tells us to do defies logic, for example, telling Moses and the Israelites to go forward while the Red Sea stared at them, but in the case of relationships, that shouldn’t be the case.
To throw every piece of advice out the window while clinging to a ‘word from God’ about marrying someone whose actions are red flags and warning signs against such relationship, is not only stupid but dangerous. You are setting yourself up for regrets in the future, unless God’s mercies intervene.
That is not to say relationships and marriages don’t sometimes experience turmoil. But the case of someone constantly being abusive, constantly making life bitter for their partner, constantly giving you reason to regret the relationship, it’s just hard to believe God would give such a person to his son or daughter who is sincerely seeking to live for the Lord.
Feelings or the voice of God?
What singles need to understand is that it is normal to have feelings for the opposite sex. Personally, I don’t believe there’s anything wrong in admiring someone of the opposite sex and wishing they could be married to you, as long as the admiration is not mixed with immoral thoughts about the person.
They could possess godly qualities that you long for and that can cause you to want to have them. But there are things you can do to cause the admiration to either wane or to intensify. Unfortunately, many singles only tend to intensify the feelings.
You may also like this post Panic Attack or the voice of God?
What is abnormal is to think those feelings as signifying something other than mere admiration (in some cases they do, but in majority of cases, they don’t), or not considering it could be lust or infatuation.
This is especial consideration for the females, because they are usually on the receiving end, that is, they don’t usually make the first move. Instead of thinking the desire for the guy normal (or lust to be resisted), she begins to entertain, nurture and intensify the desire, and sooner than later, she begins to ‘hear the Lord’ telling her he is going to be her husband. She asks for confirmation to be sure God is really the one speaking to her; and she gets them (dreams, coincidences, even prophecies etc.)
Then begins the waiting period, waiting for the guy to come along. In some cases, it takes several years. Or she takes steps to make him notice her, and manipulates him into asking her out. Or she begins to pray what I call witchcraft prayers (see below), mentioning the guy’s name and asking God to make him desire her.
For the guy, the situation can be less burdensome. He can easily ascertain the ‘word from God’ by approaching the lady. If she turns him down, he can either dismiss the feeling or the ‘word from the Lord’ or he can persevere for some time in his ‘chase’.
Sadly, like Fimba in the play, some choose to wait and wait and wait, rationalizing, dismissing and ignoring every red flag, (and probably praying ‘witchcraft’ prayers.)
Muna tells his friend to swallow his pride and accept that God never spoke to him in the first place. That is important because many times the clinging to the ‘word from God’ even in the face of failure is usually because of the pain involved in accepting that the ‘voice’ that was heard was not God’s.
It was not easy for me when the relationship failed; I have spoken with others who also experienced failure and it is not always easy accepting the reality. Tucked somewhere in a part of our mind is the belief that somehow we disrupted God’s will; or that we were not prayerful enough and the devil outsmarted us; or that there was something we needed to do but didn’t do because we were ignorant of but didn’t take the effort to seek and receive wisdom and guidance from God.
All of that is grasping at illogical rationality aimed at protecting our dignity and integrity, and avoiding the humiliation of self that comes with the truth that God never spoke to us; that we heard our emotions, desires or, the devil.
Experience is a teacher.
But life experiences sometimes are a lesson for us to learn and be able to educate ourselves and others. When we fail to learn the lessons those experiences offer us, we continue to make the same mistakes.
A guy courts a girl claiming ‘God revealed…’, the relationship fails. He dates another, claiming the same thing. The second relationship also fails. He goes in for the third, still ‘hearing’ from God!
That makes God schizophrenic and unreliable – he says yes and no at the same time. He leads us into what he is not able to complete, he tells us they are our mate when he knows ahead of time they won’t come or they won’t accept us. That is not the God of the Bible.
What is important: Character or Confirmatory signs?
Singles need to learn not to be overly concerned about whether God spoke or not as about the character of the person they are intending to marry. I know that doesn’t sound spiritual. But if spiritual is what is responsible for so much heartbreak, confusion and a blurred image of God’s faithfulness, it’s high time to embrace the ‘less spiritual’ strategy.
The truth is if you are in a relationship that God doesn’t want you in, and you are in tune with God, willing to let go of emotions and listen to his voice in your spirit and the principles of his word, God would make it known to you. So there shouldn’t be fear in the heart of any child of God that they don’t have ‘supernatural’ confirmations for their relationship.
Be careful about witchcraft prayers.
About witchcraft prayers, I want to elaborate a little on it. It’s not just about relationships; the way prayers are thought in some circles today, it can encourage people to pray ‘witchcraft’ prayers, unconsciously.
Unfortunately I don’t have a scientific method to prove it, but it’d sound more like something a witchdoctor or astrologer would tell a client desiring a certain lover.
The way some people teach prayers, it can lead one to engage in spiritual exercises that are synonymous with, if not actually, witchcraft – seeking to manipulate people’s mind against their will.
Consider a situation where two people are in a relationship, one partner wants it, the other is undecided, or may be having reservations and wanting to end the relationship. But the person wanting the relationship (probably believing they are meant to be) is putting such a draw, such a pull, on the other person, spiritually through prayer, sometimes not actually directed the God, but more like the I-decree-and-declare type of prayer, that the undecided partner feels somehow ‘compelled’ to continue in the relationship even though his spirit may be vexed or grieved over the situation.
I’m struggling to explain this because it’s something I don’t know how to say, ‘this is how it works’. Maybe someone understands the how, but I don’t. All I know is that it happens. And singles should be careful. If you manipulate someone, whether knowingly or unknowingly, into marrying you, you’ll live to face the consequences tomorrow.
Dear single, if you believe the ‘Lord has spoken to you’ please let be and let God do his work. Ascertain the will of God by allowing him to orchestrate circumstances to bring his will to pass. Desist from trying to make God’s will happen through your gymnastics.
And dear single, never, never go into a relationship when your heart doesn’t agree, no matter the strong emotional drawings towards the person desiring your love. One way God leads you is by putting desires in your heart.
You may not like someone initially, but if you were meant to be, your heart would along the way desire (want) the person. Don’t allow emotions to pressure you and drown out the voice of your spirit.