God can and will tell you who to marry

Mine

Does God show people their spouses? Will God tell you who to marry? What role does God play in your choice of mate?

In God told me he was going to be my husband I talked basically on the unfortunate circumstances that arise with the issue of “God told me they are the one for me.”

But I realized that there was a need for another article to counter another extreme.

Extremes exist in almost everything, and the solution to one extreme is not another extreme.

Because of the high frequency of failed “words from God” about marrying someone, some have adopted the stance on the issue which says God cannot and will never tell you who to marry. That it is all up to you to go about looking for a mate.

I believe that stance hurts the amazingly wonderful testimonies of those whom it is evident God spoke to them and led them to their spouses. And there are many of such testimonies.

Just because some experience failure doesn’t mean others do not register genuine success.

God is our Father. And his Fatherly heart will not be happy seeing us make fatal mistakes. He guides, he leads.

He tells us to ask for wisdom where we lack it, and he promises to give liberally, without grudging.

I believe you can and should expect God’s leading and guidance as you seek a wife or husband. As a Christian, you should not go into a relationship without seeking to know God’s mind concerning it.

Only, do not seek to have an exact experience with someone else. You are unique – the way God leads me may be different from the way he leads you.

You can and should ask God for guidance. You can pray God to expose the heart of that person to you as you get to know them more.

But remember that guidance in romantic relationships is usually clouded by our emotions, reason why it is unwise to be quick in concluding God has said this or that, or clinging to a supposed word from God in the face of roadblocks and red flags.

If you are in a relationship and your heart harbors reservations, for whatever reasons, do not ignore it. There’s high probability that’s the voice of God. If the person’s behavior causes serious concern, do not ignore it. God’s guidance is not some vague feeling, a thought or a voice that doesn’t align with the realities at hand.

Lastly, if you have waited and waited and waited, and the person you are waiting for is not coming to you, please move on with your life. This kind of scenario is recounted mostly by females. They ‘hear’ God tell them about a particular guy, but the guy is not coming around soon. So they keep waiting. And praying!

I do not recommend waiting, putting a part of your life on hold while waiting for someone God has revealed is yours. But in some cases, some have been made to wait, and the person finally came. I am not their judge. If God made them wait, that is very okay. It depends on where you are in your relationship with God.

But if you have waited long and the person has not come, stop rejecting the ones interested in you. I don’t know why God would make his child wait for five, seven or ten years, waiting for the other person to come to them.

It can be agonizing seeing the person ‘God has told you is the one for you’, and praying for them to make the first move or to reciprocate your love, yet they are not doing so.

I do not believe that when God created you, he also created your counterpart of the opposite sex, someone you were ordained to marry; someone you are inescapably bound to marry.

I have seen cases where someone believes their spouse is not the one God ordained for them, and they are ready to divorce and go marry the God-ordained one.

The increase in the cases of divorce and remarriage for unbiblical reasons among Christians today has made some not to take their marriage vows seriously. They can divorce and remarry for any reason, including ‘marrying the God-ordained one you had missed’.

Knowing the voice of God through intimacy with Him

For a Single seeking to hear God tell them who to marry, you must also seek to walk in closer intimacy with him so you can learn to hear and differentiate God’s voice from other voices.

Closer intimacy helps give you God’s perspective in life, it helps you understand the path God wants you to take in life and it also helps you understand the kind of mate you want. Two cannot walk together without agreement.

There should be in your heart, the kind of mate you desire. That’s what you should be concerned with, not who the particular person is.

So I’m saying God can tell you who to marry. Personally I believe it’s the best way of getting your spouse, as dangerous as some may consider it to be. It’s a thing of guidance, keeping you from making fatal mistakes, keeping you from experiencing painful breakups.

But I’m also saying, God’s leading is not a hallucination, a voice, a vision or revelation that you cling to while playing the ostrich, with your head buried in the sand.

I believed in God leading you to the right person, right from the time I got born again, but yes, I experienced failure. And I learnt.

You can ascertain the will of God, you can ‘examine’ what you are ‘hearing’ by looking at the present circumstances in your relationship, by not exalting a ‘conviction’ above the person’s character and attitude towards you.

Church responsibility

The churches need to do a better job in teaching singles to prioritize seeking God and seeking to do things the way he would want them to do. I can’t help but feel disappointed when I see in some circles today singlehood being treated as an inferior life and the single is pressured to get married – to whosoever. It doesn’t matter, as long as they are married.

It should be in church circles that singles are taught the values of dignity, integrity, healthy self-esteem and intimate relationship with God, instead of being made fun of or given the world’s methods of dating.

I remember an incident. It could have been my first, or one of my very first days in the youth meeting after my born-again experience. The lesson was on dating, and I remember asking a question: Can’t we just trust God to lead us to the right person?

In my mind, I didn’t mean just lazying around and hoping that no matter what we do, God is just going to lead us to that one we were ordained for. So don’t get me wrong. I just felt like there was something better than what was being taught.

The answer was nothing short from what a worldly person would give.

‘Seeking a mate is like going to buy a pair of shoes from a shoe shop. There are many shoes. How would you know the one that fits you if you don’t try them on? Try one, if it doesn’t fit, you try the next. Try and try until you get the one that fits’, as the guy in this other story does!

The difference is that human hearts are not inanimate shoes. Humans have emotions, and they get hurt when they are dumped for the next pair of human shoes. As such, you have pairs of shoes in churches who harbor resentment or who don’t talk to each other because of the hurt from those experiences.

God will tell you who to marry

He that is willing to be led of God will find his guidance available. The more you commit yourself to the Lord, the more he reveals his plan for you, including who to marry.

I wish I can give you a step by step approach. But the secret lies in your relationship with the Lord. It’s not a formula. Let him lead you.

A word about commitment to God

It is not uncommon to find single persons busy for God, because, they want a wife or husband. It becomes a bargain. You serve God, and then he rewards you with a spouse.

That is no commitment, for it has strings attached. If God doesn’t fulfill his part of the bargain on time, disappointment sets in. Some Singles then leave the church and start living in sin. They get married to people who are not Christians.

You can’t put God in a box.

Commitment to God is simply because He is God. When you decided to become a Christian, that was a decision to adhere to God’s standards and to live for him.

Dedication to him is about the whole of your life so committed to following him at any cost that you find your contentment in him alone.

Marriage comes, but not as a bargain with God. Commitment to God gives you an added advantage because in committing your life to godly principles, you avoid many unfortunate experiences common to Singles.

God can and will tell you who to marry. Seek him.

Additional reading

Fimba and the shoe shop (A parable)

Can you and should you trust God to write your love story?

The Dancing Clay Vessel

God told me he was going to be my husband

Mine

This post is Appendix One of a play I wrote titled, Mine!

“God told me John was going to be my husband. I was so happy, I incessantly prayed for John to come around.

Finally John asked me out. Few months later we got married and lived happily ever after.

How I wish that were the case. I had eagerly looked forward to the marriage and the ever after, but it never happened, because few months after we started dating, John walked away with another woman, leaving me heartbroken. And confused.

I did all I could to get him back. All in vain. I learned he later walked away from the other woman, before finally settling down with another woman.”

The example above is fiction, but one that does happen in real life.

I believe that until the Lord Jesus comes back, this issue of ‘God told me to marry them’ will remain among Christian Singles. It would be great if there are only success stories, but many times, they are not. Instead there usually is an abundance of regret, confusion and disillusion stories.

This has led some believers to conclude that God cannot and will not tell you who to marry. That is not true.

I counter that thought line in this other post God can and will tell you who to marry

I too had once been a victim of a failed ‘word from God’ about marrying someone. When the relationship crashed, I was devastated emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

I laugh now because I can’t believe I recovered; it was one of the darkest moments of my life and I didn’t believe that I can ever be normal again.

And it was not really because of the man, but because of the thought of having done something wrong to cause God’s will not to come to pass. I constantly wondered ‘But what about what the Lord told me’?

For a long time I blamed and hated myself. I had failed God. Since I got born-again I had believed and taught that we are supposed to trust God to lead us to the right person in order to avoid unfortunate relationships, but here was I with a negative testimony.

I hated myself and I believed God hated me too. I didn’t think he will ever use me again. I had become a useless and despised piece of nothing in his sight. I’ve really come a long way renewing my mind.

But after a long time, the scales began to fall off and I came to a place where I heartily appreciated God for deliverance, yes deliverance, for the path God wanted me to go in, the path he had always drawn my heart towards that direction, I would never have followed if he did not deliver me from that conviction!

I know several persons who have been victims as well; I know it is a perennial problem affecting Christian Singles.

The biggest problem that people who’ve ‘heard from God about marrying someone’ usually have is the ignoring of red flags. The ‘word from God’ trumps all logical reasoning and biblical principles. All the focus is on the ‘fact’ that God has spoken and the mistaken belief is that ‘all will be well; and we shall live happily ever after’.

It is true that sometimes what God tells us to do defies logic. For example, telling Moses and the Israelites to go forward while the Red Sea stared at them.

But in the case of relationships, that shouldn’t be the case.

To throw every piece of advice out the window while clinging to a ‘word from God’ about marrying someone whose actions are red flags and warning signs against such relationship, is not only stupid but dangerous. You are setting yourself up for regrets in the future, unless God’s mercies intervene.

That is not to say relationships and marriages don’t sometimes experience turmoil; that is not to say good relationships are perfect. But the case of someone constantly being abusive, constantly making life bitter for their partner, constantly giving you reason to regret the relationship, it’s just hard to believe God would give such a person to his son or daughter who is sincerely seeking to live for Him.

What Singles need to understand is that it is normal to have feelings for the opposite sex. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with admiring someone of the opposite sex and wishing they could be married to you.

They may possess qualities that you long for and that can cause you to want to have them. But there are things you can do to cause the admiration to either wane or intensify.

Unfortunately, many Singles only tend to intensify the feelings.

What is abnormal is to think those feelings as signifying something other than mere admiration or not considering it could be lust or infatuation.

This is especial consideration for the females, because they are usually on the receiving end, that is, they don’t usually make the first move.

Instead of thinking the desire for the guy normal (or lust to be resisted), she begins to entertain, nurture and intensify the desire, and sooner than later, she begins to ‘hear the Lord’ telling her he is going to be her husband.

She asks for confirmation to be sure God is really the one speaking to her; and she gets them (dreams, coincidences, even prophecies.).

Then begins the waiting period, waiting for the guy to make the first move. In some cases, the wait takes several years. Or she takes steps to make him notice her, and manipulates him into asking her out. Or she begins to pray what I call witchcraft prayers (see below), mentioning the guy’s name and asking God to make him desire her.

For the guy, the situation can be less burdensome. He can easily ascertain the ‘word from God’ by approaching the lady. If she turns him down, he can either dismiss the feeling or the ‘word from the Lord’ or he can persevere for some time in his ‘chase’.

Sadly, some choose to chase and chase and chase, rationalizing, dismissing and ignoring every red flag.

Pride keeps such from accepting the fact that God never spoke; that they were infatuated or probably the devil deluded them.

Many times the clinging to the ‘word from God’ even in the face of failure is usually because of the pain involved in accepting that the ‘voice’ that was heard was not God’s.

It was not easy for me when the relationship failed; I have spoken with others who also experienced failure, and it is not always easy accepting the reality. Tucked somewhere in a part of our mind is the belief that somehow we disrupted God’s plan; or that we were not prayerful enough and the devil outsmarted us; or that there was something we needed to do but didn’t do because we were ignorant of but didn’t take the effort to seek and receive wisdom and guidance from God.

All of that is grasping at illogical rationality aimed at protecting our ego, dignity and integrity, and avoiding the humiliation of self that comes with the realization that God never spoke to us; that we heard our emotions, desires or, the devil.

Experience is a teacher

But life experiences sometimes are a lesson for us to learn and be able to educate ourselves and others. When we fail to learn the lessons those experiences offer us, we continue to make the same mistakes.

A guy courts a girl claiming ‘God revealed…’, the relationship fails. He dates another, claiming the same thing. The second relationship also fails. He goes in for the third, still ‘hearing’ from God!

That makes God schizophrenic and unreliable – he says yes and no at the same time. He leads us into what he is not able to complete, he tells us they are our mate when he knows ahead of time they won’t come or they won’t accept us. That is not the God of the Bible.

What is important: Character or Confirmatory Sign?

Singles need to learn not to be overly concerned about whether God spoke or not as about the character of the person they are intending to marry. I know that doesn’t sound spiritual to some.

But if spiritual is what is responsible for so much heartbreak, confusion and a blurred image of God’s faithfulness, it’s high time to embrace the ‘less spiritual’ strategy.

The truth is if you are in a relationship that God doesn’t want you in, and you are in tune with God, willing to let go of emotions in order to listen to his voice in your spirit and the principles of his Word, God would make it known to you. So there shouldn’t be fear in the heart of any child of God as a result of not having ‘supernatural’ confirmations for their relationship.

About witchcraft prayers, I want to talk a little on it. It’s not just about relationships. The way some people teach prayer, it can lead one to engage in spiritual exercises that are synonymous with, if not actually, witchcraft – seeking to manipulate people’s mind against their will.

Unfortunately I don’t have a scientific method to prove it, but it’d sound more like something a witchdoctor would tell a client desiring a certain lover.

Consider a situation where two people are in a relationship, one partner wants it, the other is undecided, or may be having reservations and wanting to end the relationship.

But the person wanting the relationship (probably believing they are meant to be) is putting such a draw, such a pull, on the other person, spiritually through prayer, sometimes not actually directed to God, but more like the I-decree-and-declare type, that the undecided partner feels somehow ‘compelled’ to continue in the relationship even though his spirit may be vexed or grieved over the situation.

I’m struggling to explain this because it’s something I don’t know how to say, ‘this is how it works’. Maybe someone else understands the how, but I don’t. All I know is that it happens.

As a Single, you need to be careful. If you manipulate someone, whether knowingly or unknowingly, into marrying you, you’ll live to face the consequences tomorrow.

If you truly believe the ‘Lord has spoken to you’ please let be and let God do his work. Ascertain the will of God by allowing him to orchestrate circumstances to bring his will to pass. Desist from trying to make God’s will happen through your gymnastics.

You should never, never go into a relationship when your heart doesn’t agree, no matter the strong emotional drawings towards the person desiring your love.

One way God leads you is by putting peaceful desires in your heart. You may not like someone initially, but if you were meant to be, your heart would along the way desire (want) the person.

Don’t allow emotions to pressure you and drown out the voice of your spirit.

Don’t be quick to conclude, the Lord told you someone is your wife. Let the will of God unfold as you get to know the person more. Be open to the voice of God in your spirit, not through your emotions. Take red flags seriously.